is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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