Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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