I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
