Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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