Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
