Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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