An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
