at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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