I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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