Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
