Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
