I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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