At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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