you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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