I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize