It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
