Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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