When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
