:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Green mimosas i think yes
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
