Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
