I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize