when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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