I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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