It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
