Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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