How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
