there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
