I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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