Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
