You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
