You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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