the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
