I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
