I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
