put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize