Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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