This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
