Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can tuck mytits in my pants
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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