Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
