Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
