i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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