why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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