you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
