I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize