it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize