my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
