Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Randomize
