Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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