You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
