we're blogging at a bar
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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