Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
