Porn is love you can see.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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