I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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