By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
