So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
